All you have is now

“You think you will never forget any of this, you will remember it always just the way it was. But you can't remember it the way it was. To know it, you have to be living in the presence of it right as it is happening. It can return only by surprise. Speaking of these things tells you that there are no words for them that are equal to them or that can restore them to your mind. And so you have a life that you are living only now, now and now and now, gone before you can speak of it, and you must be thankful for living day by day, moment by moment, in this presence.
But you have a life too that you remember. It stays with you. YOu have lived a life in the breath and pulse and living light of the present, and your memories of it, remember now, are of a different life in a different world and time. When you remember the past, you are not remembering it as it was. You are remembering it as it is. It is a vision or a dream, present with you in the present, alive with you in the only time you are alive.”

― Wendell Berry, Hannah Coulter

Now with Bella's big hugs and her tiny frame clinging to me, and her read just one more book pleas.  Now with Rose's tumultuous trying-to find-her place and just be loved while not being pushed around.  With her endless twirling dancing and leaping.  Now with Anna turning young woman with her helping hands and graciousness interspersed with her crazy giddy silly-girlness.  Now with Ethan's beautiful boy soprano voice singing in tones whose days are numbered.  With his mature, thoughtful interactions and boyish fights with his sisters.  Now with Brian trying so hard to be everything he wants and needs to be with this ugly disease frustrating him at every turn.  Now with the Sadie-dog curled up at my feet and more than a tad stinky.  Now is all we have.  I am not guaranteed tomorrow for myself.  And I'm not guaranteed to have these dear ones for one more day.  I have to learn to live fully now.