Something's Happening

This has been the worst summer.  No really.  It has.  I went from a good, but difficult and time consuming Whole 30 to two months of trying to figure out how to help Brian out of the worst health crash ever (or at least one of them).  And the summer slipped away.  I had some good times in there with the kids, but it just wasn't great.  And Brian couldn't do anything with us.  And the pool never got warm.  And my back pain went exponential.  And Brian is still crashed.  It's been stressful and discouraging for me.  And I try not to think about me because it's so much worse for him.

So I've been trying to be thankful.  To remember that even though it seems like everyone else is gliding through life without decade long trials, they've all had their own trials.  And there's a bunch of trials that don't have to last a decade to be awful.  But I just wasn't feeling a lot of love, you know?  I was kind of more like, yes, I know that my salvation ought to be enough love to last without anything additional, but I'm just not really feeling very cared for.  And yes, I know that's very selfish.  I'm an American  - that's huge.  And have healthy (mostly) children.  That's huge.  But when your husband is suffering every day.  Loads of pain and misery.  Well, it's hard to feel like you're blessed.  Even when you count your blessings.  Does that even make sense??

Now I don't know what's going on today, but God seems intent on making me feel special.  First it was a happy mail day.  My dress for my sister's wedding arrived, and even though that wasn't a gift, it is a happy thing. (And it's a great dress that my sister got a huge discount on, probably making it the most inexpensive bridesmaid dress in history.  And it came in time to remind me to work out my arms, but I digress...)  Then my sister in law sent me a fabulous "Keep Calm and Let Alicia Handle It" shirt, which I totally love.  THEN, I opened the sweetest note from a friend telling me that she'd been led to take a little side job with the whole intent of giving ME what she earned from it.  And she did just that.  To use for whatever I want she said.  Another quiet weekend away?  A juicer?  The possibilities are endless, and Brian laughs because I always save money for the perfect option and can never make up my mind.  But really, can you believe that??  God wanted her to do this FOR ME.  Why on earth?  And she really did it too.  That's amazing.

Now I'm already trying to process all of this tonight.  Couldn't even really write about it yet.  And don't you know, another friend messages me on Facebook and wants me to come pick up the contents of his freezer.  Including organic blueberries.  And so many other things.  He said he was prompted by God the last couple of days to give it to us.  Now I'm not out of grocery money or anything, in fact, I spent the better part of the day trying to get all the right groceries for Brian, who's going on an organic produce cleanse for this three day weekend, and all the rest of us.  But I'm also not one to turn down free food.  Especially not when God is apparently intent on my having it.  What is up with that?  

I'm thankful for the gifts, but more than any of them, it is the Giver that now has me intrigued.  He's been talking to people about me.  Is that crazy or what?  What is He doing?  I've asked that question a lot, but usually with more than a little frustration.  This time, I'm totally intrigued.  Even hopeful.  He's up to something, and I'm beginning to wonder if I might not see more of this goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I've come to expect nothing or more bad news.  But this is shaking up my expectations.

Then, even as I chatted with my friend, Ann Voskamp posted the C.S. Lewis quote, " There are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind," along with this commentary:

Lord, the changes just about kill us.
Kids growing up & away. We lose our people, lose places & times we have loved. The headlines scream big things & straight up -- things up ahead can look mighty bleak. 
Honest? Sometimes we just want to find the rewind button -- find our way back to where we've been so we can live better, love realer, feel safer.
And You whisper, "Look ahead with joy... everything’s going to work out. I promise it's all working out for good...Look to Me" Isa:65:17, Ps20:6, Ro.8:28, Matt10:38MSG
And You are up ahead!
"There are far better things ahead -- than any we leave behind."
The best is never behind us; You save the *best* for up ahead --
and the end will be the *best*... and it will only be the *beginning*.

So we look with have hope ahead -- to the One who has our heart...
In the name of the only One who ever loved us to death & back to the realest & forever life. Amen.

I don't know what's happening, Lord, but I got your love letters today, and I'm listening.